Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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