Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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