I cannot find my penis.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
