The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
