I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
