Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
