zippers are such a cool invention
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
