We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
