Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
