guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
