I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
