I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
