there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Blood and glitter go together right?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
