i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
So much rum. So many feels.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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