No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
