Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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