After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
