he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
