Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Randomize
