Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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