A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
