My liver just broke up with me...
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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