my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
