I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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