So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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