I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
