Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Randomize
