I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
