The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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