At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
