I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".