I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.