I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
