Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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