Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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