No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
