yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
