How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
