you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
