Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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