i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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