Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize