Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
