I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
