i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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