Just fell off a train. Bad.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
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