Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
