Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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