She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
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I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
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You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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