You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
