Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
