I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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