Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
