I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
