he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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