So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
