Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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